Widower Dating Again
The desire to form a new romantic connection after the loss of a spouse is a positive and healthy one. Our ability to bond with other people has an enormous effect on our well-being. Dating after you are widowed can have physical and psychological benefits. Not only will you feel more confident, but you will also combat depression. Entering a new relationship will boost happiness and provide. How Long Should a Widower Wait for Dating Again? It’s widely agreed that men should wait around twelve months before they start dating again. Of course, the length of the grieving process can vary, and some men have begun dating after just a few months, going. Don’t compare or contrast. Whether widower or widow, dating again can bring you comfort and companionship after loss. Yet, to really see the rewards of this, it is important to remember two things: you musn’t compare (try not to think about how someone new is similar to your previous partner) and you musn’t contrast (likewise, try not to focus on how the person you are dating is.
I'm including this section of the book specifically for any widowers who might be reading it. Dating again after the death of a spouse can be an awkward experience. It can bring out feelings of guilt or betrayal in the widow or widower. It can also bring out feelings of confusion and concern from friends, family, and those who were close to the deceased spouse.
For those who have lost a spouse and are looking to date again, here are ten tips to help you successfully navigate the dating waters.
There's no specific time period one should wait before dating again. Grieving and the process of moving on is something that's unique to each person. Some people take years, others weeks, and then there are those who choose never to date again. Whatever you do, don't let others tell you you're moving too fast or waiting too long. Make sure it's something you're really ready to try before taking that step.
I started dating five months after my late wife died. Too soon? There were some friends and family who thought so. But five months was when I felt ready to at least test the dating waters. And though it took a few dates to get the hang of things, I have no regrets about dating that soon.
If you feel like dating again, take some time to understand why you have this desire. It's not wrong to date because you're lonely or want company. Single people date for those reasons too. However, if you're dating because you think it's going to somehow fill the void or heal the pain that comes from losing a spouse, it's not going to happen. Dating does give you the opportunity to open your heart to another person and the chance to experience the unique and exquisite joy that comes with falling in love again.
The first time I went to dinner with another woman, I felt like I was cheating on my late wife. As we entered the restaurant, I was filled with feelings of guilt and betrayal. Throughout our entire date, I kept looking around to see if there was anyone I knew in the restaurant. I thought that if someone saw me out with another woman, the first thing they'd do was run and tell my dead wife what I was up to. It sounds silly, but I couldn't shake that feeling the entire evening. A week later, I went out with someone else. The same feelings of guilt were there, only they were less intense. It took about five dates before the feeling went away entirely and I could actually enjoy the company of a woman without feeling guilty.
As you date, feelings of guilt should subside over time—especially when you find that special someone. If the guilt's not subsiding, you might not be ready to date again. Give dating a break and try it again when you might be more up to the task.
Unless you're dating someone you knew previously, and they are already familiar with your late spouse, he or she is naturally going to be curious about your previous marriage. It's okay to talk about the spouse when you're first dating someone. Answer questions he or she may have about your marriage, but don't spend all your time talking about the dead or how happy you were. After all, your date is the one who's here now. And who knows—she might make you incredibly happy for years to come. Constantly talking about the past may make it seem like you're not ready to move on and start a new relationship. Showing a genuine interest in your date and getting to know her wants, interests, and dreams goes a long way you're ready to start a new life with someone else.
Would you like going out with someone who constantly talks about issues she's having in her life? Dating isn't a therapy session—it's an opportunity to spend time with someone else and enjoy their company. If you find yourself dating just to talk about the pain in your heart, how much you miss your spouse, or tough times you're going though, seek professional help. Spending $60 an hour on professional help will do you much more good than spending the same amount of money for dinner and a movie. Besides, your date will have a more memorable night if it's about him or her rather than about everything you're going through.
When I started dating again, it had been seven years since I had gone out with anyone other than my wife. Because I had a certain comfort level with her, I often found myself forgetting proper dating etiquette, such as opening the car door or walking a date to her door when the date was over.
If you find yourself forgetting simple dating etiquette, don't worry about it. Most dates will understand if they know it has been awhile since you dated. But don't make the same mistakes over and over. Learn from them and continue moving forward. You'll be surprised how fast your dating legs return.
When your family and friends learn you're dating again, they may not treat this new person in your life very well. The mistreatment may come in the form of a cold shoulder at family activities or constantly talking about the deceased wife in front of the date. If you have family and friends who are doing this, they need to be told privately, but in a loving manner, that this behavior is not acceptable. If you wouldn't let family or friends treat your spouse that way, why would you tolerate that behavior toward someone else—especially when your date could become your future spouse? Don't be afraid to defend your date. If you can't do that, then you have no business dating again.
There will always be someone who will not understand why you've chosen to date again. They may give you a hard time or have some silly notion that widows and widowers shouldn't fall in love again. Their opinions do not matter. All that matters is that you're ready to date again. You don't need to justify your actions to them or anyone else.
The death of a spouse means losing intimate physical contact. After a while, we miss the kisses, having someone's head resting on our shoulder, or the warm body next to us in bed. This lack of physical and emotional intimacy is enough to drive a lot of people into the dating scene. Don't feel bad if you find yourself missing these things. It's completely normal.
In the dating world, wanting something that was part of our lives for years can become a ticking time bomb. It can force us into a serious relationship before we're ready. The result: a lot of broken hearts and emotional baggage.
If you're on a date and it's going well, don't be afraid to take things slow. This isn't always easy. Sometimes it's hard not to throw ourselves at our date because we want to be close to someone again. We want that warm body next to ours and to have the words 'I love you' whispered in our ears. But it can save you and your date a lot of emotional heartache if you wait to make sure what you're doing is because you love the other person, and not because you miss the intimacy that came with your late husband or wife.
It's a basic dating rule, but it's often forgotten by widows and widowers. Because we already had someone special in our lives, it's easy to forget to make our date feel special too. Treat your date in such a way that he or she feels like she's with a man who's ready to move on. She shouldn't have to compete against a ghost—even if you only have one date with that person. As long you're out together, she should feel special.
Even though dating can be awkward and difficult at times, it can also be a lot of fun. There's no reason being a widower should hold you back from enjoying a night out. Part of the reason we're here is to live and enjoy life. And dating is a great way to start living again.
I’m frequently asked if a certain widower behavior, like always talking about his late wife or having photos all over the house, is a red flag that the widower isn’t ready to move forward. Often, these answers aren’t black and white, and much depends on the specific situation and what, if anything, the widower is doing to correct the problem. The purpose of this chapter isn’t to go over every possible circumstance you might find yourself in, but to identify the five specific red flags that usually indicate the widower isn’t ready for a serious relationship. If he exhibits any of these red flags, it’s more than likely he’s not ready to open his heart to you.
Red Flag #1: The Widower Hides You from Family and Friends
Most widowers start dating long before their children, close friends, and family are ready to see them with other women. Because widowers think their loved ones won’t support or understand their decision to date again (a decision the widowers themselves often can’t explain), they often keep their dating and relationships a secret for as long as possible.
It’s normal to be concerned about telling family and friends. These conversations are never easy, and it’s difficult to predict how others will react to this news. But widowers who are ready to open their hearts again will find the strength and courage to do it. Not telling others about your relationship becomes a red flag when widowers continually make excuses as to why it hasn’t happened yet. You’ll know it’s a red flag because you’ll feel like a mistress or a secret girlfriend.
Widower Dating Again
Never tolerate being treated like some dirty little secret. When a widower hides you and your relationship from others, what he’s really saying is that he values the feelings of his loved ones more than he values you. Remember, men express their true feelings through their actions. When he intentionally hides you, keeps you from meeting loved ones, or purposely excludes you from family activities and get-togethers, what he’s really saying is that you’re not that important.
Over the years, I’ve talked with women who were literally asked to hide in a closet or wait quietly in another room when a widower’s friends or family stopped by unannounced. Other times, they were introduced as “just a friend” to the widower’s acquaintances. Some widowers refuse to eat at certain restaurants, shop at specific stores, or visit parts of town with their new girlfriends because they’re worried about running into someone they know. Other widowers plan dates or secret rendezvous only when they don’t interfere with planned family gatherings.
Widowers who are serious about opening their hearts will make introductions—no matter how difficult those announcements or meetings may be. The hardest conversation I had after dating again was telling Krista’s brother and grandmother that I was in a serious relationship with Julianna. I knew they were still grieving, and it would be difficult for them to know that just seven months after their granddaughter and sister’s death, I was in love again. Still, it was a conversation that needed to happen. Krista’s brother and grandmother were a big part of my life for seven years, and I knew it would hurt them even more to learn about my relationship with Julianna from someone else.
The more hesitant widowers are to tell others about the women they’re dating, the greater their internal doubts are about the relationship. Those who are confident about their feelings will have these conversations. For example, when Jennifer came to visit me for the first time, I waited until the last possible minute to tell my family she was coming. I only told them about Jennifer because I lived down the street from my parents, and there was no way I could hide the fact that I had a visitor. At the time, I rationalized my actions by telling myself I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of loved ones who were still grieving. However, when I became serious with Julianna a few months later, I never hid her or our relationship from anyone. In fact, I relished opportunities to introduce Julianna to everyone I knew. This change took place because I had no doubts about my feelings for Julianna. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and in order to do that, I had to integrate her into all aspects of my life.
By now, some of you are wondering when the widower should introduce you to friends and family. With close family members, it should happen soon after becoming exclusive. In cases where he’s worried about a negative reaction, it might be better for him to inform those he loves that he’s in an exclusive relationship before making face-to-face introductions. If introducing you in person isn’t practical or realistic, at the very least, the widower should let them know he’s in a committed relationship and who it’s with.
In my situation, I thought it was better to let Krista’s brother and grandmother know that I was in an exclusive relationship before they met Julianna. It was one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had. Even though they were both verbally supportive and were thankful that I had told them, I could sense that they didn’t understand how I could open my heart to someone else less than a year after Krista’s death. When I introduced them to Julianna a few weeks later, I could tell they were still struggling with my decision, but they were polite and welcoming. If I hadn’t had that previous conversation with them, I don’t believe the actual introduction would have gone nearly as well.
The only exception I make to this rule is when the widower has minor children living at home. When that’s the case, I think the relationship should be on solid ground before introductions are made. This, however, doesn’t give the widower license not to tell them what he’s doing. At the very least, his minor children should know that their father is dating, and he should give you a rough timeline of when introductions will happen. However, if he continually makes up excuses as to why you haven’t met his kids or keeps changing the deadline, he’s hiding you and not ready to open his heart.
Remember that you should expect the same behavior from a widower that you would from any other man. Don’t let widowers get away with treating you like a secret. You deserve and should expect to be treated like the center of his universe.
(Chapter continues after video)
Red Flag #2: You Remind the Widower of His Late Wife
Three months after Krista died, I created a profile on an online dating website. Back then, online dating was relatively new, and nowhere as sophisticated as the dating apps of today. After filling out some basic information about myself, I posted a single photograph, along with a paragraph about myself and what kind of woman I was looking to date. Then I started applying the website’s filters to see who came back as compatible matches.
Widows Dating Again Some Tips
Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was inputting Krista’s characteristics into the search filters, and as a result, the site was returning women who looked somewhat like Krista and had similar interests and hobbies. I didn’t do this intentionally. However, at that point in my life, Krista was the only woman I’d had a serious, long-term relationship with. We clicked on so many levels that I unconsciously figured that by putting in Krista’s interests and personality traits, I’d find someone who would be a good match. Despite the site returning dozens of “compatible” women, I never clicked with any of them when we met in person. At the time, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t connect with someone with similar looks and interests. In hindsight, I realize I wanted those women to be just like Krista and duplicate that wonderful relationship we shared.
Widower Dating After 3 Months
I tell this story because when widowers start dating, their frame of reference for what makes a compatible or desirable partner is based on the looks, personality, and interests of the late wife. They think that finding someone who looks familiar and acts similarly to the late wife will heal their heart. (I recommend that widowers date several different women when they re-enter the dating waters so they’ll get exposed to a diverse set of women with different personalities and interests.) I was initially attracted to Jennifer because she was very similar to Krista. Like Krista, Jennifer was tall, blonde, creative, and had an outgoing personality. We even matched up perfectly in the political and faith aspects of our lives. That alone brought me a level of comfort and familiarity that made it an easy decision to let the relationship become more serious.
The fact that you have similar looks or personality to the late wife isn’t a red flag by itself. You should become concerned if the widower tries to mold you and your relationship into a replica of the one he shared with his late wife. Fortunately, this is an easy red flag to identify. The four most common things widowers who are looking to reconstruct their relationship with their late wife will do are:
Dating A Widower Over 60
Verbally compare the two of you. This is usually done through subtle hints about the way the late wife did things and how much he enjoyed them.
Constantly point out physical characteristics that you and the late wife share.
Ask you to dress in the late wife’s clothes and/or behave like her while you’re out on a date or in the bedroom.
Constantly take you to the same places where he and the late wife ate, vacationed, and frequented while refusing to try new things with you.
Widower Dating Again Full
If all this sounds creepy, it is. If you find yourself dating a widower who exhibits one or more of these traits, note that healthy boundaries or better communication won’t fix this. He’s trying to re-create a part of his life that is gone forever by obliterating your unique personality and identity. He will never love you for who you are—only for who he thinks you can be. The best thing you can do if you find yourself in this kind of relationship is to end it immediately. In order for a relationship with a widower to grow and thrive, he has to love the new woman for who she is—not who he wants her to be. It’s a lesson I didn’t learn until I fell in love with Julianna.